A Tribute To My Dad

Me and dad

Benedict Rodriguez.

Born on Saint Benedict day hence his name.

For my mom and his friends he was Benny. Benny from the Bronx.

Benny was a safe space for so many.

His siblings, cousins and my brother and me.

I remember a trip to Florida as a kid. There was an electrical storm.

I think in a previous life, I died in a tornado which is why extreme weather scares me so much.

We were outside when this storm blew in. I buried my head in my dad’s stomach.

He held me tight.

I knew I was safe.

It’s ironic because what was the beginning of the end for him was a lyposarcoma in his stomach.

What was once so safe.

I remember when he got the lyposarcoma removed from his stomach, he commented that he felt less strong.

He thought his strength was in his stomach.

I think his strength was in his character. He was a man who would hold his daughter close in a storm and never let her go.

I miss him so much and I will live in his honor.

Dates that changed me on a cellular level

December 8 2023 is one.

The day my dad took his last breath.

I never imagined I’d hear it but I did.

It was labored. In hospice. It was the “death rattle”.

It was late. He’d been in hospice for a night.

I know now that he’d been in transit before he’d gotten there.

In transit between the energy that is this life and the energy that is the “afterlife”.

Whatever that means.

The other is Memorial Day. 30 years ago.

When my twin, Bobby, took his last breath.

It was devastating to my family.

I had been dreaming of it for years before.

As kids, I kept a dream journal and I liked to regale my family of my dreams as they happened.

My brother always chastised me for it.

He said when I started a sentence with “in my dream”…..

People lost interest. He lost interest.

How apt though.

My dreams were mostly about him leaving this existence.

There are more that I can’t place the date.

My aunt Sally. My mom’s older sister. When she died, before we were told, I had a dream that she came to me. She said goodbye and that she had to make more stops before she left.

I remember waking up that day and wanting to hug my mom. Her little sister.

Like my grandfather, Placido.

Or my grandmother Carmen.

Others too.

Isn’t life amazing!

My best friend

Samantha, a rescue tuxedo cat.

When she first came into my home, I made the rookie mistake of picking her up before she was ready.

She didn’t know me and she came from the mean streets of Queens.

At the adoption place they considered her beyond anything but feral,

But here she was. 8 months old ish.

She hid in my apartment after I tragically picked her up.

Under the stove.

For 2 weeks, I put tuna on my fingers and let her sniff and lick it up.

The 3rd week, she was out from underneath the stove and next to me as a friend.

Our relationship grew from there.

She was my ride or die.

For everything.

We enjoyed Huggies and kisses.

Especially this past year when I would come home so distraught because of a day in the hospital with my dad.

Sammy was there. And she understood.

If you think an animal doesn’t understand your pain, you’re not connected to that animal.

When my dad died I didn’t cry. Because I had been processing his death in real time.

And I could go and bury my face in Sammy’s black and white fur.

Because she was my BFF.

She got me through the death of my dad.

Now that she’s gone it’s hard for me.

I cried more for her than I did him.

Maybe because I made the decision to end her pain.

I maybe coupled these tragedies.

Theres guilt involved on both fronts.

I could’ve been there more for my dad, I could’ve done more for Sammy.

In the end I hope I did the right thing.

I think I did.

My Cat

I recently lost Samantha, my best friend, my best cat.

She was in pain for a couple weeks, those who love pets know how painful that is to watch.

When she was healthy she would greet me at the door to my apartment. She’d throw herself on the ground after I’d greet her. Exposing her tummy for me to kiss. Anyone who knows cats knows that’s the ultimate trust.

I come home and expect to find her at the door but there’s nothing.

It’s so painful.

My other cat Harry feels it too.

I have to cuddle him more.

Samantha was a great cat.

We’ll miss her.

Just getting by

Those left behind

After experiencing my dad on his deathbed not much matters.

It seems any effort in this life is irrelevant.

But here we are.

We can’t live without going through the motions.

Going through the motions seems to be all we can do.

I guess that’s okay.

I’ll take it.

It told me, the only thing that matters is personal relationships.

Love. The only thing that matters is those you love.

Hold on to those you love, tell those people you love them often.

In the end it’s all that matters.

The shrinking woman

I’m 49.

I think I’m still attractive to men.

But I don’t care.

People still won’t give their seats on the subway to me.

I’m okay with that.

It must mean I look younger than I am.

But I’m older.

And I do need a seat.

I have understood that at my age, I will be loosing my parents and contemporaries.

It doesn’t make it any easier.

In the past year, I’ve lost my dad and my cat that was there for me.

In my cats passing, I gave myself permission to feel my dad’s loss.

Maybe it’s because with my dad, I had to be strong for my mom.

With my cat, I could feel all the feelings.

Grief is a funny thing.

The Bikeriders

It’s a film out right now that not many people get.

It’s hitting me differently. maybe because I lost my dad recently.

It’s the son father connection that gets me.

The Austin Butler character and Tom Hardy character that gets me.

In the film, a young man is coveted by an older man.

At the same time, a woman is in love with this young man.

It comes down to what this young man wants.

Which is not defined until the end.

Hospice

Funniest dad!

When my dad finally got approved to go to a specific hospice, he was moved so quickly.

Thank God, I thought. There they would give him pain meds. They would attend to him when he Shat himself.

I thought, finally, he’d get the empathy to die in a dignified way.

I was right.

His room had Himalayan salt lamps. Cable, for the ones who would camp out in the room waiting for the inevitable.

Staff came in regularly to check his pain levels and to check on me and my mom.

In the last day, after a harrowing night of dad moaning and moaning, a nurse came in and spoke loudly and clearly.

“Benny, are you in pain?”

My dad opened his eyes wide to look at him and said, slowly and clearly, “No, I am not in any pain.”

There was a clarity in the way he said it.

I believed him.

Important because in my active imagination he was writhing in pain.

It was late. Mom fell asleep soundly like she’d never in her life.

I couldn’t sleep. I held his hand and listened to him.

At around 10pm, he said “no, I don’t want to be with you now.”

Around 11pm, he said “Apple pie”. To this day I don’t know the significance of this.

At 12am, there was the death rattling that the hospice nurse told me about.

He was motionless from the hips down. I felt his ankle and it was ice cold.

Apparently, your body takes its time and shuts down in stages.

I sensed that I needed to leave him alone so I went to sleep for about 30 minutes.

When I woke, there was no sound.

I lay there in silence. I knew he was gone.

The nurse came in and confirmed it.

He was dead.

I whispered to her that I would be climbing into bed with my mom and I’d break the news.

It was the closest I’d ever felt to anyone. There was a calmness in this finality.

Mom and I have never been closer.

We end every conversation with an I love you.

Losing him was devastating.

I’m great full to have not gone through it alone.

Feeling occasionally positive about menopause

I’ve been having hot flashes non stop lately. I haven’t slept a full night in months. One moment I feel fine, the next it’s like my bones are radiators in a prewar walk up in NYC.

For those who don’t know what that means, radiators in those buildings have only two settings. Off when the outside temperature is below, I think, 50 degrees Fahrenheit. If below 50, say 49, radiators on full force as if it’s well below zero.

It’s like 101 degrees or above and you often have to open windows to let arctic air in for relief.

Some of my friends are having hot flashes and their medical professionals don’t listen or take what they’re saying seriously.

My NP, thankfully a woman around my age, heard me. Really heard me. She explained in detail and quickly, thank God because I was in the middle of a busy work day, exactly what was going on.

Apparently, I’m in peri menopause. It lasts until your final period, then resets if you have your period randomly again.

Symptoms, hot flashes, exaggerated emotions including rage, sadness, anxiety as well as tiredness, changes in skin, hair and fingernails and inability to lose weight regardless of dieting and exercise.

I have all of that although you wouldn’t know the emotional part as I’m a woman and am used to suppressing how I feel to appear capable. Those who know me would be able to tell by the constant smile on my face.

I remember doing that as a pre teen when I first started my period.

She immediately told me the various treatments available, hormone replacement therapy in the form of a patch, a pill if that’s not enough, and a low dose anti depressant.

She immediately called that into the pharmacy across the street and I was so excited to put that shit on right away.

Of course, my insurance doesn’t cover it, so I became silently enraged and anxious but I thanked the pharmacist as we do and stewed about it on my way back to the office.

My mission and I have to accept it, put a ticket in to my benefits team for a new prescription plan.

It will cost me and I’m fucking livid but there’s no other way.

The support of women

I recently went on a company team building ice skating outing at the iconic Bryant Park in New York City.

It was a beautiful thought and was much needed since we’re all gearing up for our busy season.

I talked a good game to my co workers. I used to skate every weekend! I could even do pirouettes and arabesque’s on the ice!

It’s true, way back when.

Close to 40 years after, turns out I couldn’t. It wasn’t like “riding a bike” like was mentioned when we were swapping past winter sports stories.

I struggled to even walk in those skates seconds after lacing them up.

I held a brave face and went out on the rink with them and quite a few others.

The minute I hit the ice, fear was flowing through me.

I had to fight sheer panic in these rented shoes with deadly blades on the bottom of them.

I held onto the rail with both hands and slowly moved myself along.

Along the way, I met these two women who were speaking Spanish under duress. I could understand a few words.

One was clutching that rail with one hand while the other who had locked elbows with her friend encouraged her but was clearly as terrified as she struggled to stay upright.

After a lap around the rink, I decided I could take one hand off and balance as I glided forward.

They stopped and gave me an apologetic “you can go ahead of us” gesture.

They clearly thought I was a more confident skater then I was, but no. I definitely wasn’t.

They gestured a second time and both pressed themselves up against the rail.

I tapped the rail holder on the shoulder and offered my elbow.

She looked at her friend and shrugged “why not?”

I held the rail and we all linked arms.

We were to be three scared women on the ice but with unconditional support. Holding each other up.

We moved slowly , but just a bit faster than before and we actually enjoyed ourselves because we knew we probably wouldn’t fall.

And if we did one of us would be close enough to the rail to grip it and there was an unspoken understanding that we’d help each other up before some wild human animal ran over our fingers cutting them off with those aforementioned deadly blades.

Didn’t get your names but thank you my ice skating Queens! Thank you for being as afraid as I was, recognizing it, acknowledging it and taking my arm!

We had an acceptable time!

Because we held each other up!