When my twin died, I felt it. We had just turned 19.
I was driving and stuck in stand still traffic.
I felt the wind get knocked out of me from behind.
In a moment, I felt everything then nothing. But the nothing lasted only a second.
The nothing became everything. It was warm. It felt safe.
I made my way home in this state and lay down in my bed.
A few hours later the phone rang, I knew why, and some time after that there was a knock on the door, I knew why. I hid in my bedroom.
I heard my father scream as he did in his sleep when he had that recurring dream that his childhood home was being invaded and it was life or death.
My twin had climbed up onto a subway car and stood up. He was hit from behind and didn’t survive.
The police showed us a picture post mortem and he had a smile on his face. He was at peace. He wasn’t for a few years before that. This wasn’t comforting to my parents of course. But I knew he was truly at peace because I had felt what he felt.
Years later, in this time, my dad has passed. I can’t say out loud “died”. I can only write it. If I say it, I may feel sadness that I can’t overcome.
After my twin died, I felt something monumental, a shift in the tectonic plates that governed my existence, sad, but not devastated. This is why I never cried for him, or for my loss of him. And why I could be there for my parents in my 19 year old way.
It’s because I had closure. It was so clear. I had recurring dreams for as long as I can remember that a train would come and be the last thing I heard. Somehow I knew it wasn’t me, but a part of me. It was Bobby, my twin, a part of me.
My brother took his last breath on top of a subway. He was knocked of it.
There was no guess work. No my imagination running away with me.
Same with my dad. It wasn’t sudden like my brother, but I saw his transformation. He was scared but he knew mom and I were there.
It happened over three days. Mom and I were able to be there for all of it.
I think this is the reason I feel closure.
I think we are energy and I think I was there for the transition of energy.
My twin and I always had an energy connection, even from far away, and I think that’s why I could feel his closure. And why I could be there in a big way for my parents when he died.
See? I’m saying “died” for my brother Because I have distance. I still know he lives in my heart and honestly, I still feel my brothers energy as if he’s right next to me.
I think he is.
My dad, I’m not there yet, but I will get there. I will always feel his energy because I believe he knows I need to.
I’m watching a show I know we’d talk about. I feel natural talking to him about it.
He’s in my heart. And always will be.