Remember the light

Sarah was flying way above the stratosphere. Her long brown hair flapping in the wind like a cape around her head. She was moving fast but the air felt like a gentle breeze. She felt as though she were wrapped in a soft blanket that smelled of cinnamon and cloves. Like Christmas in Colorado. She closed her eyes hoping to savor this feeling. She’d remember it always. She’d use it to feel safe. This feeling would stay with her until she she didn’t need it anymore. She slowly opened her eyes.

Darkness. She thought maybe she hadn’t actually opened her eyes, so she tried again. This time she squeezed them shut. She kept them closed for a moment then opened them, slowly. Darkness! I’m Blind! Panic made its way up from her stomach to her chest. Or was it dread? Her chest heaved. Oh my God!! She sat up. This is a dream, has be a dream, I’ll wake up. I’ll wake up, in my bed and be grateful. For everything! One Two Three Four Five Six….

She waited. And waited. And waited. Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One. Come on bitch! Wake the fuck up!

She realized she had been sitting in an awkward position, her spine cemented in a rigid straight line. Her legs had gone numb. Or were they! Oh shit! Just touch them, they’re right in front of you, if they’re there. NO! Can’t freak out about something that hasn’t happened yet. Just touch them. She raised a hand and held it over where her upper thigh should be. She hesitated. Just fucking do it! She brought her hand down and felt pressure on her thigh. Thank God! She touched her other thigh, pressure. She lifted her legs one after the other by the back of the knees. They just needed a bit of circulation.

She made a point to breath deeply. In and out. In and out.

Okay…. legs, check, arms, check, hands, check, eye sight….

She thought maybe it’s just that the lights were out. Those black out shades really work! She’d simply get up and turn on the lights.

She crossed her legs and started the precarious task of standing up. It took a minute but she was now standing. Okay, turn on the light. She suddenly realized she couldn’t find her normally impeccable sense of direction. She held both arms out in front of her and took a step forward. Think Sarah, think! I come into the bedroom and the first thing I do is turn on the light. What hand do I use? She pictured herself standing in the hallway outside her bedroom door. She turned the knob and opened the door. It opened inward which is something she’d always hated. It left no room for the blue velvet armchair she’d dreamt about reading in. Turn on the light. She reached across her body to the left with her right hand and flipped the switch.

Now, just reverse, take a step. She started moving slowly toward the light switch.

It was taking longer than it should. She stopped and pictured her bedroom. She saw her full sized bed in the middle, taking up the majority of space, she smiled when she saw her black and white cat curled up in a tight little ball. She saw her 40” flat screen TV on the opposite wall then the slightly opened door, the light switch to its right.

She moved forward again. Nothing. She had a sickening thought. Maybe she wasn’t in her bedroom. Maybe she wasn’t even in her apartment! She could feel her eyes opening wide but the pitch black darkness only grew more dense.

She turned her head hoping to hear something, anything, but nothing. Oh my God am I deaf too!? She opened her mouth to scream for her roommate but her voice never made it past her windpipe. Or did it?

Kevin sat at his desk, scrolling through Facebook on his new iPhone 12. He hated all political posts but couldn’t help reading them. This was a light day. Only two or three. He jumped a little when he heard movement coming from the hallway outside his tiny office. Hardly anyone ever came down there. He listened for a while but heard only the buzz of the fluorescent lights above his desk and the ticking of his watch. “Oh shit. I’m hearing things.” He had heard of this happening. Spend all your time alone and you go a little nuts. He shook it off and went back to his phone but this time typed in – Long term affects of being alone.

Sarah had been standing in the darkness, she didn’t know how long. She felt that time wasn’t moving. There still hadn’t been any noises, she was too afraid to try finding the light switch again, so she waited. As she stood, she had a thought. I must’ve been kidnapped! But by whom?

She searched her mind for clues. She couldn’t remember the last thing she saw or felt. Nothing. She ran through what she knew to be fact. My name is Sarah Jackson. I live in a two bedroom apartment in Queens. I have a cat named Mimi. Mimi! She saw a flash of her former life. The cat looking up at her, raising her paw like she did when she was hungry. Oh my God! I forgot to feed her!

In a moment of desperation, she began to move her arms, there must be something she can touch, a wall, a door, anything but there was nothing. There didn’t even seem to be air around her. She knew she was somewhere. She curled her toes expecting to feel a floor, she’d been standing on something hadn’t she? She started to panic again finding it hard to breath but why? Was there even air? Fuck this! She bent down on her knees and felt for a floor and then suddenly, a memory.

She was in her bathtub. She saw her hand come out of the water and grip the side of the tub. She heard a faint knocking on the door. It took all her strength to turn her head toward the sound. A tear ran down her face when she realized she wasn’t going to be able to get up. Then, she took a painful labored breath in and blacked out.

Kevin was busy scrolling through information on his phone when his alarm went off. Thank fucking God! He checked his watch and sure enough it was time to go home. He slipped his phone into his pocket and stood up. When he got to the entrance of the hallway, he realized he didn’t know which way to go. “What the fuck?”He looked down the hallway to the left. Same as always, empty, stark white walls, the ceiling lined with those awful fluorescent lights. He looked to the right, the same. That’s strange. That’s where the door to the staircase was. But it wasn’t. How the fuck am I supposed to get home!?

He heard something like a cart rolling toward him from the opposite direction. He took a step back and looked slowly toward the sound but there was nothing! The phantom cart rolled right past him, through him? Alright man, calm down. It’s just your imagination. You work in a morgue, you think it’s haunted but it’s NOT! He suddenly got very angry with his ex girlfriend. Every time she heard a noise she’d swear it was a “spirit” that had followed him home. He brushed it off but there was always a little part of him that believed her. God damn it Mona!! He took out his phone and googled “Can a ghost follow you home from a morgue.”

Sarah was sitting now. Legs crossed, eyes closed? She didn’t know anymore. She was trying to breath in and out. Counting, a trick she’d come up with to help her relax when she felt a panic attack coming on. One, two, three, four, five, six. She thought about Mimi. Hopefully her roommate Jen, decided to all of a sudden give a shit about their cat and fed her. Yeah right! She didn’t care! Wait! Jen’s a good roommate! Sarah remembered something. She and Jen outside a pet store window. Jen, wearing that adorable blue and grey knit hat, kneeling down making kissing noises at a tiny grey and white kitten. It had reached up and put a paw on the window. Just like Mimi! Mimi. She remembered something else.

Kevin was now convinced he was in fact being tormented by a spirit. He couldn’t figure out how. I work in records! I’ve never even seen a dead body! He gasped. That wasn’t true. He remembered walking down the aisle in a church. He was trembling. He looked up at his father who held his hand, tight. Whatever they were getting closer to, it was terrible and he desperately wanted to run the other way. That’s right! My brother, Johnny! He had died. Kevin didn’t know how old he was at the time. Very young. Young enough to have forgotten all about this. He closed his eyes and remembered his father falling to his knees when they reached the alter. It was an open casket. I refused to look! He remembered feeling like the people in the church were angry at him. Suddenly, Kevin had tears streaming down his face.

Sarah was still sitting cross legged, thinking about Mimi. Jen never knew her. Her precious kitty had died back home in Colorado. She was devastated. That’s why they were looking for a cat. Jen thought getting a kitten and calling it Mimi 2, or, Madam Mimi the second, as she would say, like she was announcing a Medieval member of high society at a ball. Sarah laughed out loud. You funny bitch! Jen seemed like a memory now. Someone she’d known in a previous life. Known? It was more. She had one final flash, laying in bed looking at Jen, her beautiful smiling face illuminated by early morning sunshine. The light grew brighter and brighter along with it a sound like electricity. Sarah shut her eyes and covered her ears, she knew it would be unbearable in a second. Now, silence. And darkness. Just as she was about to lay down, she heard something. Purring!

Kevin was back at his desk, his head in his hands. Thank God no one comes down here. I must look fucking ridiculous, crying like a little bitch! He picked his head up. He looked at his watch, it’s face flickering in and out of clear vision. He rubbed his eyes. The nagging sound from the fluorescent lights was becoming to much to bear. He got up and flicked the light switch. “Fuck!!” He remembered that switch had been for something else. The lights were turned on and off by a technician. Rich! That fat piece of shit! He stomped down the hallway to the staircase. He stopped. The staircase! It’s here!

Sarah was overcome with happiness as she saw a pair of round eyes with light reflected in them. Mimi! She could hear the pitter patter of feet as the cat ran to her like she always did when she got home. She scratched her little head and bent down to kiss her. That’s when she realized it. There’s light! Sarah looked ahead of her and saw rays of light coming through what looked like a cracked wall.

Kevin stood at the door for a moment. He didn’t trust it. Did he really want to go home? There’s nothing there except bills. Mona had been gone for a couple months, she left a plant but It had died. You know what? First thing I’m gonna do is throw that thing out! He gripped the door knob to open it but it was stuck! He tried again, it wouldn’t budge. The door could be locked automatically if there were some kind of security breach. Of course! Rich! He started banging furiously on the door. “Rich! You fat fuck! Open the FUCKING door!!”

Sarah got up. She moved slowly toward the rays of light. She could feel warmth. She heard a sound getting louder as she moved closer and closer.

Kevin was now kicking the door. Those damned fluorescent lights! The sound had changed. It was a rhythmic beeping. He recognized it. He saw himself as a teenager looking at a hospital bed. A priest standing over it, praying. Last rights. A nurse reached over to a machine. He recognized it as a respirator. Kevin’s chest heaved as he saw his father laying there motionless with tubes coming out of everywhere.

Sarah held her hand in the warm soothing light. Whatever was blocking it fell away. She was now bathed in glorious illumination.

Kevin opened his eyes gasping for air. He saw a fluorescent light flickering above him. He saw the outline of scrambling human forms dressed in full body white suits. Something was being pulled out of him. The humanoids hovered over him as he struggled to breathe. He could see that they were cheering.

Sarah was flying, way above the stratosphere. She could smell cinnamon and cloves. She looked down and saw her lifeless body laying in a hospital bed. A nurse by her side, weeping. She felt sorry for the nurse but it was okay, she didn’t need that body anymore. She looked further and saw Jen slumped over on their living room floor, sobbing, holding a grey and white kitten. Sarah blew a kiss. Jen took a deep breath and looked up. Sarah knew she didn’t see her but she felt her. She could feel something so inviting above her. She knew what she had to do. She flipped over in the air, and drifted upward toward the light…

2020, You Bitch!

This year was shit. We can all agree across the globe about that. A virus spread like wildfire. Remember early 2020? Most people thought corona virus wasn’t really a thing or argued that the seasonal flu was worse. Even with mounting evidence to the contrary, there were still many people who said things like “it’s no different than SARS or Zika.”

Then we saw refrigerated trucks used to store dead bodies because morgues were at capacity. Massive ditches in NYC were built to throw dead bodies into with authorities saying “we just need a place to store these bodies until we can provide proper burial.” BULLSHIT! Those bodies were most likely prisoners or inmates at city jails who died and other than their families, no one cared about them.

By springtime, we couldn’t deny the enormity of this virus. Well, some could. Some people have a great capacity for denial. It’s a common defense mechanism.

The cracks in every system showed, racism reared its ugly head (it was always there but our president made it okay to come into the light, even recruited some on the fence just like Hitler) Those of us who were previously blind saw it with our own eyes, the vicious murder of George Floyd, how he was pulled over, he didn’t know why but yet pleaded with the police officers not to hurt him. How he begged for his mother when the life was being ruthlessly snuffed out of him.

They didn’t care. To them, he was a criminal who they were charged with taking down.

This would have started an uprise in any year to a degree, but because it happened when it did, more people were home, out of work with their eyes wide open and their tolerance for injustice at an all time low.

Now, there was the Corona virus and the virus that was never really addressed, systemic racism.

The media may treat this like yesterday’s news but sadly, we’re not much better as a society now than we were then despite growing unrest. This particular virus has no vaccine yet.

Over the summer there were protests that were thwarted by white supremacy groups to make them look like terrorist attacks to prove that black people are violent and unreasonable. It worked.

There have been multiple distractions, movie premieres, ect., to take away from what’s really going on. Our lawmakers made some mistakes IMO by allowing places like gyms, bars, restaurants and hair salons to open, creating a sense of false security and bringing back a premature return to normalcy causing the previously cautious to drop their guard and get together with people they haven’t seen in a while for very good reason. Cases spiked as a result and continue to today.

Make no mistake America! Your government doesn’t give a shit about you!

It doesn’t care if you live, or if you die!

You are at best, a commodity, at worst, a target.

I wish this wasn’t true because your neighbors care about you! The ones overseas and the ones next door.

This is the one good thing about this Asshole of a year. We realized that we’re all humans, we were all going through the same thing at one point then banded together when a group of fellow humans was targeted. Well, a lot of us did.

I hope we can appreciate this lesson and be there for each other as humans when our government won’t.

And, I hope we don’t forget what we saw, and felt, no matter how horrible it was and how much we want to forget it.

I think 2021 will be a test. Did we grow or were we just surviving? When we all go back to work, will we be sedated by the 9 to 5 daily grind?

I can’t wait to find out!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Inside Christmas: The Main Event!! Ep. 11

The reindeer barn where Santa’s sleigh takes off from. Thousands of years ago, elves hadn’t perfected time manipulation so they had to build the barn to look like a church of the times.

Shimmy

Susan approved my plan. It’s pretty brilliant! Elves have been documenting their everyday experiences for thousands of years. I’m going to ask some elves to give me their documents and I’ll send them back just a few weeks, maybe even two months. I’ll send them over the internet to Fluffypants’ mom! She gave me her email. In the email, I’ll tell Mrs. Fluffypants, all about our ability to manipulate time. This is ancient elf magic and we use it so that Santa can reach ALL children in just one night. I don’t personally know how to work this magic, I’m an all trades elf not a time magic elf, but Pears has a cousin who is. I’ll get her to talk to him and we’ll see if I can send the documents to her along with some pics. I bet she’ll know what to do! We’ll see on Christmas Eve if it worked. There should be extra Christmas cheer and it should make the reindeer move faster and the bells ring louder!

Leafhoppers

It’s CHRISTMAS EVE! The most magical moment of the year! We all gathered in the reindeer barn. Santa does the same thing every year and I never get tired of it! First he makes a speech…

Jingles

He looks at me and winks and says “Here goes nothing!” It really is something! He raises his arms like he’s going to hug everyone…

PebbleBrooke

I started to run to Santa because he made the hug sign but I remembered what Susan said. “Don’t run to Santa during his Christmas Eve speech. You can have a hug from me after.” I wrote it down.

Leafhoppers

He thanks all of us for our hard work. All of us! Seriously, it takes foreeeevvvveeerrrr…

Jingles

Then, he gets into his sleigh.. I make sure his bag of presents is properly secured for the hundredth time….

Leafhoppers

He invites us all to say the words to make the reindeer fly, some don’t actually know it so they say wrong names or just move their mouths….

PebbleBrooke

On Donner! On Blixen! On Cupid! On Vixen!

Shimmy

Vixen is the best. She rolls her eyes when they shout her name! Ha!

PebbleBrooke

On someone! On someone! On someone! On someone!

Jingles

Then they start moving! They run in place for a moment and kick up some sparkly snow around their feet. It looks like a snow cloud that’s rising from the ground!

Leafhoppers

Then you can hear when they all get in sync, there’s this sound like drumming!

Jingles

They all rise above the floor as they gallop in place, you can only see their antlers and the top of Santa’s hat because they’ve kicked up so much snow that it surrounds the sleigh but you can hear them! The bells are all you hear as they get faster and faster! It gets so loud that some elves with bigger ears have to cover them!

PebbleBrooke

It sounded like a million elves marching really fast on a wooden floor like the one in the break room! When they started to move, all you could hear was the bells! This is so much louder than I ever imagined!

Leafhoppers

There’s a whoosh of air as they pull out…

Jingles

You can hear the bells and the wind gaining speed all the way up to the northern lights. I love watching Santa’s sleigh slip through them even as the barn doors are closing!

PebbleBrooke

When Santa disappeared into the lights Susan played music!

Shimmy

I created a play list on my phone. Susan gave me the nod and I pressed “play”. It worked!! It’s an all night sing along!!

Jingles

We all cheered and hugged each other. This is why we do it! Year after year! MERRY CHRISTMAS !!

Leafhoppers

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

PebbleBrooke

MEEERRRYYYY CHRRRIIIISSSTTTMMMAAAAAS!

The Next Christmas

Leafhoppers

I’ve been taking the suggested courses. Elf management, elf emotional support.

It’s helpful I guess.

But what as it is about the human aspect. humans are so complicated.

Inside Christmas: Ep. 10

The view from Mrs. Susan Clauses’ workshop office. It faces the indoor courtyard connecting all the different official offices safe from snow storms.

Shimmy

I’ve been “posting”, that’s what it’s called when you talk to others by typing words to the internet, on Facebook and Instagram and now Twitter! It’s been 4 days and I have friends! Human friends and two cats! How these cats can type, I have no idea but I have to admit, Bunnycat and Mr. Fluffypants are actually my favorite! Susan says to focus on the humans. I’m doing that but secretly, I do check up on the cats ALOT. Fluffypants had a tummy ache today. I just have to know what happens with that! I feel like I have a tummy ache!

Jingles

Wow! What a difference! Ever since leafhoppers made the stuffing elves go faster, we’re almost caught up! In fact, Apples did the same thing to the doll making elves and now they’re moving faster too! Haven’t seen much of Santa, I usually don’t at this time. He’s with the reindeer and if he’s not with them he’s with the sleigh maintenance elves or dressing elves for his uniform. I ran into him briefly yesterday and he said “Jingles, It’s crunch time!” That’s what he says every year. The fact that neither Clause is really talking to me means we’re doing well! I love the rush of the week before Christmas!

Leafhoppers

I did it!! Since we’ve been working so hard, we all get a very long nap every night! I’ve been drinking more and more cocoa every day, actually I started a couple day before overnights, so I’ve got plenty of energy! No one noticed! Well except Mrs. Clause. She called me into her office, a few days ago, after I got the elves to work faster. She congratulated me and I got so excited that I jumped up on the chair! She said that maybe I should slow down on the cocoa because a lot of elves do that in overnights and then they just need more and more and more and more and more and more and more!!! Anyway, because of the cocoa, I stayed up all night a couple days ago and I TALKED TO THE BOX!!!

PebbleBrooke

Guess what!? This is the first year I get to go to Santa’s take off on CHRISTMAS EVE!! Every elf hears stories about it but they all have this ending, “You had to be there.” I get to be there! I’m going to bring my blue quill! Susan said I could and Shimmy showed me how to put it in my hat so I can use my hands when I don’t need it, but it’s there when I do need it!

Shimmy

Update, Mr. Fluffypants is OK! Turns out it was just a bug! Phew! I got so worried that I sent a DM (a direct message) to Fluffypants so he could let me know if there was any change in tummy. He sent a message back and said he’s okay, then he told everyone, this is Twitter, about the bug. I meant to just post back but ended up in a DM. Actually, it turns out that Mr. Fluffypants has a mom that types his posts! Apparently, his mom is a human! I asked her if he was adopted, he was, but it started a long conversation about Christmas time! I think I have an idea on how to spread Christmas cheer and I’m going to ask Fluffypants to get his mom to help!

Leafhoppers

Jingles made a drawing of the computer (box) for me so I’d know how to use it. Turns out, you just press a button to turn it on but I still walked slowly and said “ahem” just in case someone had already pressed the button and it was just sleeping. I got up on the chair, I went to press the button but I think I moved something maybe with my sleeve because it just lit up! I almost fell out of the chair! It had words on the screen that said “You have a message from Mr. Fluffypants.” ??????? I moved the “mouse”, Jingles told me about that, and I clicked on the message. I used the keyboard to talk to Mr. Fluffypants. He asked if I was Shimmy, I said no but I also typed in all my questions. Mr. Fluffypants answered all of them! I get it now! This computer is used to keep information, like Santa’s master list, and to communicate with people and in this case, cats, EVERYWHERE!!

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, I’m going to the elf management academy after Christmas.

Jingles

OH BOY OH BOY!!! We’re done!!!!!! We did it!!!!! We’re all going to the chocolate shop to celebrate then in just a few hours, it will officially be CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!

Inside Christmas: 1892, Worst Year Ever! Ep. 9

PebbleBrooke’s go to spot when playing hide and seek outside his North Pole home.

Shimmy

I got my cell phone today! That’s what it’s called. It’s short for cellular telephone. It’s bigger than I thought it would be but that’s okay because I LOVE IT!!!! It’s wearing a purple coat, Susan said it’s a “case”, but I think it’s cuter to call it a coat. It makes me smile! I never want to put it down! I showed it to PebbleBrooke and the first thing he said was “it’s wearing a purple coat just like you!” Ha ha! That’s true!

Leafhoppers

Mission accomplished! That’s what I’m going to say when I talk to the box and become friends with it. I told Jingles that on the way over with our overnight bags. He thinks I should hold my finger pointed at the ceiling when I say it. He says that’s what all humans do when they accomplish a mission. Apparently Santa shows him lots of videos, those are moving images of people doing funny things that show up on a “screen”. He stopped explaining when we got to the workshop so he didn’t get to tell me what “screen” is. By the way! We started our Christmas over night week today! AND, I’m not saying any of this out loud!

Jingles

The pressures on! Oh boy oh boy!! Christmas is just seven days away and we’re still behind in bears and dolls! I don’t know how we’re ever going to finish in time! It’s going to be another 1892. We were so behind that the last toy was being wrapped as Santa was pulling out of the reindeer stable! I ran after him and I almost missed him! I thought 1892 was the worst year ever but now I think it’s 2020! I’m going to call an emergency meeting.

PebbleBrooke

Guess what! There’s going to be a meeting today! That means cookies! Now that I can hold the tray with one hand I’m going to try something new. I’m going to put a cover over the cookies so no one can see what’s on the tray. Then when I get inside the meeting hall, I’ll pull it off! COOKIES!!!! Everyone will love it! Also, I get to sleep over at the workshop! I invited Leafhoppers to go outside for a quick snowball fight before bed but she said maybe the next night because she has something important to do. Maybe Susan told her about the management academy and she’s practicing what she’ll say on her first day? That’s what I’d do. Tomorrow night then! But first COOKIES!!!!!

Shimmy

I can’t put Adaline, that’s what I named my cell phone, down! There’s so much to do! Susan said I have to go on social media, that’s where humans talk to each other and show pictures. I have to promote Christmas cheer so I created what you call a “profile” on this thing called “Facebook”. That worked but then I tried another thing called “Instagram”. When it asked me my name I typed it in and it said my name was taken! I’m named after my great grandmother but she’s been gone for years! Maybe she’s in the cloud? Susan told me all about that. It’s where the information is held. Maybe retired elves too? How big is this cloud!? I can’t believe there would be another ShimmyUpendown! We’re the only Upendowns in the North Pole and no way a human would be called that!?

Leafhoppers

We had an emergency meeting today. Jingles was pacing back and forth talking about how we can’t let this be another 1892. I don’t know why? 1892 was hilarious! That was PebbleBrooke’s first year and he kept sweeping the floor with the broom upside down! Also, Jingles grew his hair, he said he was so busy that he forgot to get it cut, but I think he just liked it! He kept a comb in his pocket and brushed it every five seconds! Too funny! I guess we were behind though. It didn’t even matter because PebbleBrooke came in looking very serious with a tray that was covered! We had no idea what was on it. Then, he pulled the cover off and smiled at the same time! It was really impressive!

Jingles

The meeting was pointless! There was some great cookie magic, but no one listened! Not even Santa! I went directly to his office after to ask him to call a meeting but he just laughed at the covered tray cookie switch! He said that would make a great video that people would like! Does no one else remember 1892!? I’m starting to think they don’t! I was so mad that I stormed out of his office and went to talk to Leafhoppers. As soon as I mentioned staying up all night to catch up, she jumped up on her work table and told all the other stuffing elves to hurry up or they’d never sleep again! She pointed her finger up at the ceiling like she had accomplished a mission and I think she did! They all gasped and stared at her with their mouths wide open, then she brought her finger down and and said “Get to Work!” They did! Faster than ever! She really does listen to me!!

PebbleBrooke

Susan said I could spend some time stuffing bears to help catch up. Leafhoppers gave a really great speech! I did it for Susan in her office. I jumped up on her desk and I pointed my finger to the ceiling. She was very impressed. I think it was the pointed finger. That’s what got me! She said that would be fine and I’m supposed to send Leafhoppers to her office. She’s in for a real treat! Susan made chocolate chip cookies today! She was already putting them out on a plate when I was walking out.

The Beauty of Getting Old

I’ve always held my worth in the way I look. Am I desirable? Do people want to look at me? I’ve been effectively trained to think these things.

It has been said that middle aged women are ignored in most situations. I’m dangerously close to this and it’s a shock to the ego. I pride myself in people remembering me. By my face, I think. I remember randomly, I saw someone , had a brief exchange but they recognized me, years later. I thought it was because of my distinct personality, but now I think it wasn’t. Scientists have done studies where babies react positively to symmetrical faces. They’re thought of as “pleasant”. Isn’t pleasant smooth? Youthful? Our narrative would have you believe yes!

Could this be the human want to keep everything compartmentalized? To keep safe mentally? There can be nothing out of place?

When I thought about who was remembering me, I realized I had only met the person once. It might have been that person focused on my symmetrical face. Flattering but also wierd.

I think of my mother. A great physical beauty. Blonde, blue eyed, big tits, small waist. I remember hearing my dad talk about the day they met. On the subway. “She had great legs” is what he remembers.

It wasn’t what made him propose to her, it was the person she was. Smart, passionate, open minded. I should mention this was the mid sixties. She was white, Anglo Saxon, he was a Puerto Rican from the Bronx. Not exactly acceptable a match in those times. Both their families disapproved.

Their souls connected. Today, my dad is 80, my mom is 77, they struggle through quarantine but it’s clear. No matter what, no matter political beliefs, they’re there for each other. They’ve supported each other through worse. Leaned on each other. A lot, but at the most crucial time, the loss of their only son weeks after his 19th birthday. My twin.

My point is, I’ve put so much pressure on myself to look young, “beautiful” as if this was the end all be all, but I see now it isn’t. Well, kind of. I go back and forth but forget I said that and read the next paragraph.

It’s who you are, deep inside. You find people throughout your life that appreciate you, and you hold tight. They are your true family. You’ll always be beautiful to them and you should look at yourself through their eyes. Because, if you’re me, your eyes can’t always be trusted. I can get there though.

Wether you choose them or were born with them.

I’m going to recommend something terrible. To me at least. Look closely in the mirror. Closer than you’ve looked since you turned 40. Respect those wrinkles. You’ve earned them. Redefine what “beautiful” is.

You’ll be a better person for it.

I was a stripper

The cloths I came in on.

I was a mess at 22. It was a hard time. My twin brother had died, we’ll never know definitively how, at 19. In may of that year. I remember the day so clearly. The last day he was alive. I won’t get into it here but it was a catalyst for so many things.

The police had their theories, gang related they thought, I pushed my hypothesis aside that he committed suicide because of an impending 15 year prison sentence. I knew he was suicidal because he told me he was and like so many I didn’t believe him. It’s scary to believe that someone you love is serious about ending their life but they are.

There were detectives that cornered me, walking down the long driveway to where I was trying to meditate. Casually introducing themselves. Seeing if I knew anything about various gang activity.

I was a nanny at the time and I genuinely loved the kids in my charge but I knew I had to find myself apart from all of that and apart from being a vessel of grieving. People in my family had a hard time looking at me, alive. While my twin, was dead. If you’re a twin who lost a twin, you’ll understand. I’ll get into that another time.

My good friend had an apartment with two bedrooms that she needed to share. That’s all I needed to hear.

Very quickly, I was packing my shit. My parents were horrified. At least that’s how they looked as I drove away in a van with what little I had gathered.

When I got to the apartment, I felt liberated. My own room that I pay for. Just me. For the first time I wasn’t a portion of a twin combo. I was me.

It took maybe two days to realize I’d moved out in a sheer attempt to distance myself from a tragedy. Then I thought, oh shit. I don’t have a job.

My friend worked at a strip club in the city and had a lot of cash. I asked if she could get me a job there. Not as a stripper, I told her, as a waitress. She did.

Finding a wardrobe for my new job was intimidating. I had dressed scantily in my youth but ironically, I’m a child of the 90’s. Babydoll dresses, fishnet stockings. Doc Martins. With my friends help, I found some especially slutty cloths, and off to my new job I went.

I got very little training on my first day, I was told I had to have a certain amount of money “on me”. But where? I was to walk around with a tray and “check in” with strippers and their customers to see if they wanted drinks. I wasn’t given a pad and paper so every time I did this, I had to repeat it in my head the entire time it took to make it to the bar.

I had no idea how to make change, was it my own money? Actually it was, I think, I still don’t know! I can’t believe I figured it out and I still don’t know how!

I mostly got the orders right but it took everything in me to hold my head up, knowing I could do better. This wasn’t for me. I was raised better. For some reason a notepad was not acceptable.

A few weeks in, my manager, a hateful young woman, told me that one of their most “important” patrons, wanted an hour with me in the champagne room. That’s a private room where you can spend “alone time” (I put that in quotes because there are cameras waiting for you to be a whore)

I went. He looked me up and down, or what I’ve come to call “eye raped” me. He said I looked like a nice girl and he’d like to have dinner with me. But not the way I was dressed. I was wearing a bikini top and a floral sarong with 6 inch heels. He told me to change into whatever cloths I came in on. I did but what about my shoes? I figured barefoot, he was creepy enough for me to think that.

He ordered food from his driver who brought it to us. Not gonna lie, it was amazing. I had no delusions that he actually wanted to get to know me, so every time he asked about my life, I answered vaguely then turned it into a question about him.

He was married, happily, had two kids, one in college one married and successful. There was nothing sexual going on here. Just him talking about himself. He was successful, owned alot of businesses, and came to this strip club regularly.

The next night, I came to work in my slutty waitress garb, and I was told immediately that this man wanted to see me again. In the champagne room, with the cloths I came in on.

He came with a full meal, or his driver carried the full meal and placed it down, I caught a side eye from the driver that I didn’t appreciate. It was delicious though. Same thing, we ate, he complained about his life, he could have done this or that. I actually started to like him!

The next night, same situation but he was different. Apparently his younger son was upset with him. He accused him of ignoring his mother and asked him if he had someone else. I wanted to throw up. Even though I had never touched him, I was convinced this other person was me!

But wait! I was doing my job right? Was I? What was my job? I cried in front of him. Shameful! He put his arm around me and I tensed up. I realized, I don’t know you! You don’t know me! How did I become a part of your life!?

Well, I worked in a strip club. I dressed like a whore to make money, but wait! This man wanted me to dress the way I came in! Jeans and a tee shirt! But I was barefoot. I sensed that’s what he wanted or was it! Did I just assume?

To the detriment of my job, I told him this. He got quiet. Then, he told me he owned a certain business in the city and he could get me a job. I told him I didn’t feel right about that. He said “okay, how much money do you need to stop working here?” I had no idea what to say.

He asked me what my monthly expenses were. I knew but I didn’t want to tell him. I could see where this was going. Be my mistress and I’ll pay your bills.

I’m not gonna lie, it was tempting. He treated me well and I liked him.

I remembered a woman in the dressing room, a really hot one. I knew her to be a “couples” favorite. She told me she was propositioned by one of her couples. She told me she turned them down because, as she said, she had to look herself in the mirror the next day. I was floored! Integrity! Here!

After he propositioned me, I quit. Being a waitress. I asked for stage time. I became a full blown stripper. I felt more control that way. I could dance on the stage, there was a mirror behind me and I would dance facing it,for myself. It was oddly empowering. At the end of my set, I would point at the man I chose to spend time with.

There were other issues, and I’d like to say that was the last club I worked at, but I ended up making money in what I felt was on my terms. I was wrong.

Years later I still don’t know what to think of this, but I made the right choice regarding that man who wanted me to be his side piece. Thanks to that woman who had integrity who’s name I never knew.

Inside Christmas: Arms Folded, Chin Up! Ep. 8

The workshop break room.

Jingles

I’m about to talk to Santa about the interbox. I refuse to sit down in front of it until it explains itself to me! I kept repeating that over and over the entire walk here. When I stopped at the chocolate shop for my morning peppermint cocoa, I said it to Poinsettia instead of ordering from her! She laughed which made me laugh. She knows what I meant. I’ve been getting my morning peppermint cocoa there for a thousand years. Poinsettia always smiles really really big when I come in and her ears perk up. I always say, “Top of the morning to ya!” and I take my workshop hat off. Santa said that for about a week straight every morning a few years ago. Hey! Look at that! I’m thinking of something other than the box!

Leafhoppers

Apples and Shimmy loved the arms crossed chin up move I came up with for Jingles when he confronts Santa about the box. They were amazed! In fact Apples said she was thinking about it all night! That’s how effective it’s going to be! Jingles was practicing what he was going to say all morning, he said it to Poinsettia instead of his usual nonsense. Top of the mountain for ya! Something like that. I tune him out sometimes. Santa’s not here yet which is strange. But, the first thing he does after going to all the stations and saying good morning, is, call Jingles into his office. Then it’s showtime!

PebbleBrooke

I got to write things down for Susan and Santa this morning! Shimmy gave me my cookie schedule then a pad of paper and a quill! It was a blue quill! I’ve never seen that, so, I couldn’t hide my excitement! I was jumping up and down! Here are some of the notes. 1. Teach Jingles everything about the computer and how it works. 2. Find out why Shimmy’s sell phone isn’t here yet. I thought Susan said “amazing” but it was “Amazon”. 3. See if there is an opening at the Management Academy for Leafhoppers. Who knows what any of that means, I’m just happy it was me who wrote it down! WITH A BLUE QUILL!!

Shimmy

Oh PebbleBrooke, PebbleBrooke, PebbleBrooke. Bless his heart. That’s what Susan says when Santa does something she thinks is dumb. I thought he’d never stop jumping up and down when I gave him his quill. It was the blue one and I do know that blue is his favorite color. His hat is blue, over coat, his tights even his slippers! I should have known. Ha ha! I bet all the elves are wondering why Santa is late this morning. He’s still in Susan’s office. The last time they did this is when they added the electric Christmas cheer boxes and the four phones. It’s because they’re planning on installing the computer and internet so we can communicate down south. I hope he comes out soon. I want to be there with Leafhoppers and Apples when Jingles does his arms crossed chin up thing. It’s going to be hilarious!

Jingles

I can’t believe it! When Santa called me into his office, today, he said “Jingles, meet me in the 21st century in five!”, I was absolutely shocked at what happened! All I had to do was fold my arms, I was about to point my chin up, then, Santa said he was going to tell me all about the interbox! I crossed my arms so well, that he just knew what I wanted!

Leafhoppers

I can’t believe Jingles! He crossed his arms just like he said he was going to do, but didn’t raise his chin! Then Santa started talking and Jingles just stood there shocked with his mouth wide open! He looked ridiculous and I’m pretty sure his ears were twitching. Not as bad as they did when he was at the management academy but still. Stick to the plan Jingles!! I’ll have to stick to my original plan of pretending to be asleep like all the other Christmas overnight elves this week and sneaking into Santa’s office. I’ll walk very slowly around Santa’s desk so the box knows someone’s there and I’ll also say “ahem” just in case it was sleeping and didn’t hear me walking. I’ve got my list of questions all ready to go! PebbleBrooke is here. Why is he just watching me?

PebbleBrooke

I went to Leafhoppers to give her a cookie, and the funniest thing happened! She was writing in her journal but she was saying things out loud! She’s the smartest! It was so funny when she said I was there, then she looked at me, then she wrote something down but also said why was I there? She writes with a red quill. Not surprised because red is her favorite. Her whole uniform is red! I notice these things now. Susan thinks there needs to be more managers now because they’re going to promote both Shimmy and Jingles and she talks about Leafhoppers too so maybe she’ll be a manager? If Leafhoppers can write things and talk out loud at the same time, then she can definitely be a manager! As long as she still has time for our after work snowball fights, I think that would be great!

Shimmy

I might be surrounded by idiots.

Inside Christmas: Joining the 21st Century Ep. 7

Jingles’ favorite ornament. No one else likes it because “it’s not shiny enough”.

Jingles

Santa let me sit in front of the interbox today. He showed me how to type in words and then they showed up on the front of the box! I liked it but it felt very strange. I guess it’s because I don’t know how it’s happening. I hate that. I was picked for the management academy because I was curious so I guess it’s a good thing? I’ll ask Santa to tell the interbox to explain itself to me. I’ll refuse to sit in front of it until then. Refuse! I’ll cross my arms after I say that to Santa so he knows I mean it.

Leafhoppers

I saw Jingles sitting in front of the box today. It was funny. He’s tall but he looked really small sitting at Santa’s giant desk. He looked confused when he came out. He just stopped right by my station and stood still. It’s definitely the box. I really need to talk to it. Oh no! I think I’m saying this out loud!

PebbleBrooke

I know the perfect place to put my shiny new phone! On my new desk! That’s right! I got a desk!! ME! Only managers and Shimmy have desks! Shimmy said she’s going to be learning about internet computers, so she needs me to answer the phone and write down messages. I say, “hello, you’ve reached the office of Mrs. Clause (I won’t say Susan that’s just me and Shimmy that call her that) may I take a message?” I CAN’T WAIT!!!!

Shimmy, 1,000 years old, Mrs. Clause’s Executive Assistant, self confessed pot stirrer

I forgot to tell PebbleBrooke to actually listen to the person calling on the phone. My bad. I’ll explain again. It’s not his fault. We were all young once. He’s an all trades elf, though, so he should get it pretty quickly. I hope so, because if he doesn’t Susan will blame me! I’m the one that convinced her he was the perfect elf to fill in for me when I’m at my lessons. Honestly, I just think he’s nice to be around. Plus, he basically knows everything about everyone at the workshop! Oh My Snowflakes! He’s just like the internet computer! Oh, and he’s in love with Leafhoppers. She has no idea! Ha ha!

Jingles

Something’s up with Leafhoppers. She’s been thinking out loud. She does that in her sleep, that’s how I always know what she dreams about. I used to do that before the academy. It was always because I didn’t understand something. I know she’s really interested in the interbox and she keeps asking me about it but I promised Santa I wouldn’t talk to any of the elves about it. I have to keep my promise because Santa said the workshop is “joining the 21st century”, whatever that means. He says it every time he wants me to come to his office. “Come, Jingles! We’re joining the 21st century!” Or today he called my desk and said “Hello, is this Jingles? This is the 21st century!” He thinks it’s really funny. I don’t but no elf can resist laughing when someone else laughs. It’s just like singing.

Leafhoppers

I think I found a way to talk to the box! I’ll convince Jingles to choose me to be one of the elves that stays at the workshop a week before Christmas. That’s in two days! I’ll have some extra cocoa before nap time, I’ll pretend to fall asleep but actually I’ll be awake! I’ll sneak into Santa’s office and introduce myself to the box. I’m going to make a list if questions. Hopefully I’m just writing this down and not saying it. Jingles is here and he’s looking at me. He looks worried. I’ll talk to him.

Shimmy

On my way to Santa’s office for my lesson, I saw Leafhoppers talking to Jingles. Those two are always mad at each other for something. Drama! I walked extra slow so I could hear them. Apparently, Leafhoppers is thinking out loud and she wants to know more about the internet computer. She’s going to write a list of questions to ask it! Ha ha! That won’t work! Jingles said he would help her if he could. He can’t. Maybe I shouldn’t have told her about it? That’s what Susan says. I’ll talk to Apples about this at mid morning break and we’ll both talk to Leafhoppers at lunch.

PebbleBrooke

The Easter bunny called! I know because I answered the red shiny phone! Everyone says E-Bun, that’s what he said to write down and that Susan would understand, is mean. But I don’t think so! He did call me Pebblewhat instead of PebbleBrooke but that’s okay. I’ll just remind him again what my name is the next time he calls. Instead of just “hello, this is Mrs.Clauses office”, I’ll say, “hello, my name is PebbleBrooke, this is Mrs. Clauses office.”

Leafhoppers

Guess what!? Jingles said he wants to talk to the box too! After dinner tonight we’re going to write a list of questions together and he’ll insist that the box answer them before he agrees to sit in front of it again. He said he would cross his arms after saying that so it has to work! I told him he should also point his chin up. I think that will really make the box listen! I’m having lunch with Shimmy and Apples. I’ll show them the crossed arms chin up thing and see what they think. Ok, I’m definitely saying this out loud because everyone’s looking at me including Mrs. Clause! Oh no! I said “exclamation point!”

Inside Christmas: Clause Vs. Clause Ep. 6

The view from the mailroom of the staircase up to the workshop. It has to be behind a door to avoid any unnecessary entry that would confuse the reading elves.

Leafhoppers

Mrs. Clause held an emergency meeting. She said we all need to focus more on our work and if we were having trouble we could make an appointment with Shimmy to talk to her and that we could have a cookie in her office but only if we needed to talk to her, not because we wanted an extra cookie. Good to know because I was immediately thinking, is it a different kind of cookie than the cookie of the day? She looked right at me before she left. I was so surprised that I froze up! She’s nice and all but I think she’s a little scary. Maybe because she’s a giant.

Jingles

Mrs. Clause called me into her office before the emergency meeting. She asked me if I was okay. I didn’t want to tell her but she said, “you can tell me”. I just broke down in tears and I told her everything! Everything about Leafhoppers not being my best friend at work, the letter reading elves spinning, how I found an empty cocoa cup in the sink and realized it was mine… everything! She gave me a snickerdoodle, she knows that’s my favorite, It’s the first question on the workshop employment form, and then she said the most important things.

PebbleBrooke

I heard Jingles crying in Susan’s office before the meeting. I cried too. So did Shimmy. She was there. When he came out we both hugged him. Then, Susan came out and hugged us all. It was nice. She told us to not worry. I’m going to do that. I had a job to do anyway. There were cookies to hand out at the end of the meeting and I said “Ta Daaaaaa” when I came in with the tray. I heard that from Santa’s box today. He laughed and so did the elves! It was great!!

Leafhoppers

Jingles was really nice at dinner. He actually asked me if I wanted the marshmallows! He knows I always want extra marshmallows. It was nice! Too nice. Why now? He’s never done that before. I think it’s the box. My plan worked and I was able to not only see the side of it but a little bit of the front! No lamp! None! It was just lit up but not like a Christmas tree! I think, and I could be wrong, that it had writing on it! Like it was messages. I really want to talk to it. PebbleBrooke said it talks. Must find a way to be alone with it. Just it and me. I bet it’s really nice.

Jingles

Mrs. Clause said nothing is my fault or Leafhoppers. She said that Leafhoppers doesn’t know about the spinning because she’s a stuffer and went to the stuffing academy. They only learn about bears which is just as important as everything even managing. I don’t know anything about stuffing because I’m not a stuffer. I just know stuffing has to be done! It all makes sense. Leafhoppers didn’t go down to the mail room because she’s bad, she just wanted to talk to Pears. I’m not mad at her anymore! I even offered her the marshmallows at dinner and she hugged me! Mrs. Clause said everything’s topsy turvy and not my fault and it has something to do with the interbox. She said she’d talk to Santa about it.

PebbleBrooke

I heard Susan and Santa talking in her office. They were using outside voices so I could hear. I was listening so that was nice of them. Susan’s great! Susan said she didn’t want Jingles to know about the “computer” too fast because it’s “over- well- Ming”. I wrote that down. Santa said she was “over reeakting” wrote that down too. Then Susan said Leafhoppers was trying to look at it because she lives with Jingles and is friends with Shimmy and Pears and probably heard about it and that’s why bear stuffing is behind. She said it was all Santa’s fault but Santa said it wasn’t. I’m gonna have to think it was Santa’s fault because Susan is my best friend. I still love Santa and can’t wait to bring him his cookie later!