There’s something called “floating anxiety”. I’ve experienced it before as a teen in the throws of PTSD.
I had recovered memories, age 14, that threw me for a loop.
I dealt with it in my 20’s and beyond. These recovered memories. Was triggered by a touch, or the idea of a touch.
I grew to be able to avoid those situations. I kept to myself, physically.
I had it down. I was comfortable in shielding myself in that regard. I had built an insurmountable wall.
I had a sense of calm. Calm that was contagious. It helped me as a manager.
Early on in this pandemic, I relied on this. It was the calming force that told me, “you’re okay, if you’re not, we’ll deal with it then. Calmly.”
Now, we’re back.
I’m in the business of large events. It’s unclear what is safe. That makes me anxious.
Recently I was on the subway in NYC. I didn’t realize we were back to shoulder to shoulder seating regardless of whether or not you’re wearing a mask.
It was terrifying! I sat down, and put my bags next to me in an attempt to discourage anyone to sit right next to me.
People were glaring at me as if I was un necessarily taking up seating.
I didn’t know we were there yet. I guess we are.
I felt that floating anxiety, as I kept my bags next to me.
I feel that floating anxiety in my every day, again.
There was a time early on in the pandemic when I tried to sign up for a zoom yoga class with a friend and I couldn’t navigate the website.
My whole body shut down and I started to shake. It was as if I had been punched in the gut then grabbed by the neck.
It was devastating.
I haven’t experienced anything that debilitating since then, but I can feel this anxiety bubbling under the surface in all instances of stress.
The question is, do I ignore it and act like it’s not there? (Very effective BTW), or, Do I address it and deal with it.
Do I have the time? Do I invest in my mental health at the expense of my financial future?
I don’t know.
This floating anxiety extends to my friends.
Do they even like me anymore? Am I ever saying the right thing? Are they involved with each other and I’m not?
It’s like all the social confidence I ever had has disappeared.
Did I ever have social confidence?
I feel so insecure at the moment. Normally I would just shake that off, but now…..All bets are off.
What is normal? I’ve forgotten. I don’t know how to act anymore.
I guess I’ll figure it out?