I went to the gynecologist this morning. I’m uninsured right now so I go to a clinic with a sliding scale which means you pay based on your most recent income earned. As you can imagine, the waiting list is very long. I prefer, no, NEED, a female doctor. I’m not comfortable with a man poking around anywhere especially not my breasts and vagina.
Apparently, I had no choice, there is now only one GYN and it’s a man. Had to get it done. I made the appointment two months ago, today was the earliest I could see him 😕.
A female nurse took my vitals then told me to take my cloths off including my bra & panties. I cringed beneath my mask. You see, I’m a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, from a man, and a survivor of adulthood sexual assault.
I had to disassociate myself from the situation to actually disrobe as asked. The nurse’s words echoing in my head….”He’ll be in in a minute”.
He was nice enough, an older grey haired man, thank God. A young man would’ve sent me reeling.
I answered his questions from far far away, polite and agreeable like a good little girl, I’m 45 BTW.
He did a perfunctory breast exam, then the pelvic. “You might feel a little pressure now.” He said. Yes, I did, but I was disconnected at the time so it was okay.
“Feels normal!” He said. I found myself sickeningly feeling proud of myself. You were a good girl!
I’ve been out of commission, feeling violated, this entire day. The hour train ride home was humiliating, like everyone knew. Been In bed, begging my cats to come to Mommy. Feeling guilty that I knew this would happen and took the day off from everything believing that this would be a “medical procedure”.
Does anyone else feel the same? In any way? Feeling invisible and angry right now.