If I Told You a Secret…..

If I Told You a Secret…..

If I told you a secret, would you promise to keep it? She asked. She was drunk. Derrick answered yes, unfortunately. She’d passed out before telling him. She didn’t know it but she had just taken a knife to their previously blissful relationship. Why would she ask that!? He was a self professed “obsessive mother fucker” and she knew that. But did she really though? What was the secret!? Had she cheated? Was she born with two sets of genitalia? He was laying awake in their bed staring intermittently at her. Enough! Get up, go for a run, and stop this nonsense!

Maya woke up with a massive hangover. She lay in bed with her hand over her eyes. The sunlight was painful. She was angry. The curtains had been opened on purpose. Derrick must be angry with her. Real fucking passive aggressive! They’d had a fight the night before and she’d stormed out to her friends bar. She’d been known to drunk dial, drunk post on Facebook, Twitter and worst of all Reddit. She couldn’t remember much after taking shots at the bar. She reluctantly reached for her phone. She felt a violent wave of nausea when she saw the screen. Oh no! She dropped the phone and stumbled toward the bathroom.

It could be nothing. But then why would it come up drunk! I bet she was holding that in for months! She has something, some confession, some horrible horrible truth… STOP! Just run. Breath. Focus.

He focused on the track. On the fog raising from the trees surrounding it. Classic Derrick, on this occasion, NOT putting his earbuds in. If I told you a secret, would you promise to keep it? Why would she do this!?

The last call she’d made was to Derrick. At 4am. She was horrified to see that the call lasted three minutes. She put the phone face down on the nightstand. Soooo many embarrassing things I could say in three minutes! There’s a lot she hadn’t told him.

He sat at the kitchen table going through everything he could remember about the fight they’d had. He’d gotten home from work, Friday’s were usually pretty chill but Maria had quit a few days before so his work load had doubled. He worked for a lawyer preparing wills for artists. It was mind numbing and stressful at the same time. You CANNOT make a mistake! When he got home he told Maya all about it, or tried to. She rolled her eyes and told him to “get over himself”. He was shocked! She’d never said anything like that, in fact, they’d never even had a fight! He should’ve just gone to a meeting.

Maya had managed to hoist her small frame out of bed and stumble back into the bathroom. She’d been dreaming about drinking every kind of fruit juice imaginable. She turned the faucet on and drank right from the faucet. She could’ve made it to the kitchen but she wasn’t ready to see Derrick. She was way too hungover to deal with the anger she would feel if he even thought about judging her. She’d be able to tell. Derrick was honest, she loved that about him but in situations like these, she hated it.

Derrick, you’re obsessing. Just talk to her.

Maya, get in the shower. You’ll feel better.

You can’t control the reactions of other people, only your own.

Maybe it’s not that bad. Maybe it was a pocket dial?

Make her a smoothie! It will help with her hangover.

A smoothie would be great about now.

But then I’d be enabling. No Derrick! No judgment! Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic!

This is probably insensitive. He’s a recovering alcoholic.

Remember you love her. You love her.

Do I love him enough to change for him?

Maya turned the water on in the shower. She started brushing her teeth. She pushed all thoughts aside. There was no use making any kind of decision in her currant state. She needed to feel clean.

Derrick heard the shower running. She’d be in the kitchen soon. Maybe 30 minutes. She always had to be “put together” first thing before anything. He wondered if that meant he didn’t have her trust. She reluctantly shared a bed with him. Her parents didn’t share a bed either so he didn’t put much thought into it, until now. The secret!

Maya felt a little better. She wrapped a towel around her chest staring at the fogged mirror. She didn’t really want to see herself but she had to start the ritual of masking. Especially today. She reached a hand up and swiped the condensation away. As she studied her face, dark circles under her eyes, she thought how fitting it was. If she’d had a mugshot, this is what it would look like. The kind you’d have with a DUI. Shameful. She reached for a cotton pad intending to douse it with witch hazel. She stopped suddenly. You can’t keep hiding from your live in boyfriend. She reminded herself how different he was from any other man she’d ever known. If you can’t trust yourself at least try to trust him. She heard the blender.

Derrick was feeding pineapple into the blender. Pineapple is great for a hangover. He stopped himself. Don’t think about hangovers or drinking! Just fucking stop it! This was a slippery slope and he could feel himself spiraling. Suddenly, he felt Maya’s arms around his stomach. A life raft! He took a deep breath in through the nose. He loved the smell of her conditioner.

Derrick turned around and wrapped an arm around her back and one around her shoulders. She loved when he did this. She’d never felt safer. She saw the smoothie in the blender and fell a little more in love with him.

He felt her pull away slightly. He kissed her head and let go.

She felt naked. Vulnerable. She could’ve at least put on eyeliner. He probably thought…

“Morning beautiful…”

He loved her eyes when she smiled.

She saw herself through his eyes. She decided she wouldn’t put on makeup today. Maybe in a few hours.

Derrick could see her smiling eyes starting to turn inward. He poured her a glass of his tropical fruit concoction.

“Pineapple….”

She didn’t say anything. He’d always equated pineapple with drinking and it wasn’t healthy for him to think about that. He’d said it was fine if she drank but she could see this wasn’t true. She took a sip.

“I’m sorry….”

He resisted the urge to start listing all the things that had gone through his mind from the time she called him to just before coming into the kitchen. Not now, be cool.

“For what?” He smiled.

He’s giving you a pass. She wouldn’t give herself one on his behalf. She took another sip of the smoothie, the dull pain in her head slowly retreating. She wouldn’t kiss him. Maya dropped her towel.

They’d both forget about the past 18 hours, for now.